Birken-crocs

With Christmas, the freezing snow, hot chocolate and an excuse to wrap up in six blankets in front of a fireplace, there are many reasons to love winter.

However, deep down, we are all beyond excited to no longer have to see people wear Birkenstocks and Crocs unironically.

Hallways and classrooms have been plagued by these monstrosities since the beginning of the semester but they should have been left in the past.

Birkenstocks are often called “Jesus Sandals.” As someone who went to Catholic school for nine years, I can assure you that Jesus would have a much better fashion sense than that.

In fact, calling Birkenstocks “fashion” is blasphemous towards the fashion community. If you listen carefully, you can hear Anna Wintour cringing in the distance.

I wish we could go back to simpler times when socks and sandals were only worn by suburban dads at a barbeque. Back in 2005 it was almost a sin to be a part of this movement and not have a 5 o’clock shadow and a “Kiss the Chef” cooking apron. Now, the requirements have become black leggings and a Starbucks drink.

While Birkenstocks are somewhat passable if you squint, Crocs are where the real crimes are committed.

With that said, I did own a pair of pink Crocs complete with the super stylish JIBBITZ, the charms you would put in the holes of your shoes. I rocked them.

When I was seven.

As we all know from the rumor, Crocs are only good for when you get stranded on a desert island and need something to eat. Tom Hanks would have had an easier time in “Castaway” if he were wearing Crocs. Just saying.

While their practicality is unmatched, the feeling on your toenail scraping across the top of your bright yellow Croc put nails on a chalkboard to shame. You start to wonder if this is why socks were invented and, if there really is a God, why would they do this?

To avoid any more existential questions and a prime spot on “Fashion Police,” let’s just keep the Birkenstocks and Crocs in storage throughout the entire year.

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