Junior Evan Glade has been reported missing from campus by his friends. Now that school has resumed, they expected him to return after break to finish the semester and were concerned when they realized he never showed up.
“He left the moment Carol Christ announced school was canceled for part of Thursday and all of Friday the week before Thanksgiving,” his roommate told us. “He was so excited — like the rest of us — because he seriously needed this break to relax.”
After searching campus, including all his favorite spots and classes, his friends have realized that he really isn’t here. After days of reaching out to him, we finally received a response.
“Wait, you’re telling me we still have three weeks left of school? Less now?” Glade said over the phone. After a few minutes of convincing him this wasn’t a joke, Glade finally came to terms with the fact that he still had lectures to attend and finals to take.
“No way I’m going back for such a short time. I’m literally on vacation with my family right now! I just assumed the semester was done! We got so many extra days off, too,” he said, trailing off.
According to his Instagram stories, Glade has been enjoying his time off eating meals with his family and going to the beach and bars with his friends. Recently, he boarded a cruise with his entire family.
“Honestly, it’s been a sweet break — I’ve completely mentally checked out of UC Berkeley. I wouldn’t be able to read a sentence of my textbook if I tried. I know finals are important, but I would hate to jump ship from this family cruise, if you know what I mean.”
After very little deliberation, Glade informed us he would not be returning to finish the semester.
“I’ll take the L with my grades,” he told us. “But who’s the real loser here? Everyone going back to school has to endure rain, stress and being away from home. Me? I get to completely empty my brain and drink margaritas by the pool.”
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.
Contact Sunny Sichi at email@example.com.
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