Mariah Kreutter, BK ’20
I know what you’re thinking: “Ugh, Mariah, drinking water isn’t a personality trait!” I’ve heard it before. I get it. And you know what, fine — I don’t need anyone else to validate what I already know. Drinking water is a personality trait, and it makes me better than you.
Because while technically everyone “drinks water,” not everyone drinks water, if you get what I’m saying. You maybe, what, have a glass with lunch? Stick a Nalgene in your backpack? Pour half of it down the sink at the end of the day? HA. Amateurs. I carry a three gallon jug of the wet stuff everywhere. Raising it to my lips is the only strength training I want or need. I have a 24/7 cool IV mainlining apricot La Croix right into my bloodstream. I walk around constantly pissing myself. And you know what, motherfucker? That piss is clear.
Because not only does my extreme hydration make me prettier, stronger, and more likely to survive a drought than you, it also makes me morally superior. My body is, like, 85 percent water at this point. That’s 15 percent more than you normies. AKA 15 percent more sweet, sweet H2O I can return to the earth when I die. Oh, you recycle? You bike to class? You think you’re doing more for this planet than I am? Cute. Water is life, bitch, and my decomposing body is gonna make it rain.
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